Whining doesn’t get us very far itself but it can be a phase that we need to go through until you figure out what you want and start working on how. While you’re whining, you’re not focusing on what you want; when you can get clear, set some targets and at least start moving – even if only with baby steps. And once you’re moving towards where you want to be, the world is a very different place.

Like a rocking chair: Fun for a while without getting you anywhere.

The trick is to break ourselves out of the cycle of whining and complaining. We’ve got lots of good reasons to whine too – life isn’t fair. Yet whining doesn’t make things better. Whining gives us a sense of connection with ourselves and with others when we whine to others – a feeling of self pity is at least a feeling of connection.

Sooner or later, the solution is to stop it. And when you do, remember that there’s a great intention behind that behaviour – that you want things to be better and you want to connect with others. Rather than chastising yourself for having whined in the first place, what would happen if you focused on the positive intent of the behaviour and started connecting positively and working towards what you want?

Sometimes they’re stupid. Sometimes they’re continually asking for me to help them but failing to understand the concept of reciprocity. Sometimes they’re just obliviously obnoxious.

Yet I’m finding that these people disappear when I bother to really listen to them. Sometimes they disappear because they find other people to annoy and so stop bothering me. Sometimes they disappear when I confront the part of them which is annoying and I realize that it wasn’t them at all.

It’s like these people show up to teach us lessons. And, once the lesson is learned, those teachers move on.

Now I don’t know if that’s really true – that there’s some cosmic conspiracy to help us grow and transcend – but I know that I’m happier when I think like that… to honour these annoying, frustrating, pains-in-the-butt as my teachers.

Though maybe like that teacher that taught you a lot but whose class you were glad you had finished.

Challenging because in front of a small and distinguished audience of experienced speakers, I was to present a self introduction. A self-introduction that was to be engaging and interesting – despite many of the audience already knowing me very well. A self-introduction that was to be thought provoking and stimulating – despite the erudition and extreme intelligence of my listeners. And a self-introduction that was to be judged not as it was back in 1997 – when provided that I spoke at all, I would be congratulated and encouraged – but rather judged as a DTM and champion speaker.

Yet we are all making that first speech.

Every night, at every meeting, we each stand up to speak that first word.

And every time we speak, we all face those same challenges as we did that very first time.

Sometimes the butterflies are flying in formation. Sometimes the fear is transmuted into exhilaration. But sometimes we can mess it up.

I spoke on my personal passion, genius training. My brother spoke very well on a very similar topic just a few weeks before – he’s writing a book on the topic even! But as this was my Ice Breaker, I also needed to introduce myself.

Previously, I have talked about how you are naked as a speaker. How when you take the stage, you take the responsibility to honour the trust that each member of the audience has placed in you by giving you their attention and time… and how when you do, you are exposed there. If your clothes don’t look right or your voice doesn’t sound right or your hair doesn’t sit right – it’s there for all to see, hear and feel.

And you can either embrace that spotlight of attention or wish it away.

But the credit always belongs to those who are in the arena…

Speaking to a group in a way that is impactful, interesting or informative may take skill…
It may take practice…
Doing it well might even take some talent.
… but it’s just not that difficult!!!

Communication skills aren’t just a “Status Skill“: They’re a life skill. This is one of those things upon which the very quality of your life depends… it’s not like being able to roll a sushi or sail a yacht or play the grand piano in the foyer of a fancy hotel – although all those are cool – but rather one of the most pervasive and impactful domains of skill development that exist.

The very quality of your life comes down to the quality of your communication skills… with others, but also with yourself.

When I was a kid, I was skinny and weak. Now, I could have transcended my personal insecurities and come to accept myself exactly as I was (all that $#!t) – or I could just learn how to fight. So I got a black belt in the form of karate that wikipedia refers to as “simplified street fighting” or something (and yes, I still wear my gold Bushido Cross).

When I started a company, I didn’t think I knew what I was doing. And I was right. Now, I could have struggled and fought my self-doubts and denied or faced my fears until I finally proved to the world that I did know what I was doing. Or I could just get an MBA.

You can deny or ignore the cause of your insecurities and fears if you like… but sooner or later I find that I have to either get the sheet of paper that will tell me that now I “can”, or I need to do the thing that proves that I “can”.

It’s no better than transcending your fears… it’s just another option

Oh… and I love Shanghai’s snow…

The Secret is making it to Oprah. It’s an amazing thought that in the next 24 hours, Oprah will be helping to transform this story/ documentary of one woman’s experience with focus and manifestation into an even more powerful international success. But it leaves a very challenge part of the story unsaid: What do you really want?

Although the heart must be made to conceive before the eye will be permitted to discover, I find that one of the greatest challenges that we face is to let go of our self-imposed blindness. “What would you do if anything was possible?” is a question that I have asked at many of my seminars and workshops (as well as in personal coaching and consultation sessions), and the recurring theme in responses is that very few people really know what is possible.

Great spirits certainly do encounter violent opposition from mediocre minds, yet the greatest challenge for a great mind is to make the leap to being a great spirit. For a great spirit to be unleashed, you must believe in yourself. Whether it is a (delusional?) sense of narcissim, an inflated sense of self-importance, or perhaps just the irrational spontaneous adoption of a belief in personal purpose and direction, for someone with talent to apply that talent in the disciplined and focused manner necessary to accomplish anything great or to develop any great skills perhaps demands something of a state of mental or emotional imbalance.
So where do we begin? 

That, to me, is the primary advantage that superior educational institutions afford over ‘ordinary’ ones. Great institutions, employers and places tend to attract those with talent and ability, and in doing so give the individuals the exposure to ideas and people that can expand their minds in otherwise inconceivable ways. While I believe that the truths of ‘genius’ are still somewhat waiting to be discovered by each of us, travel, education and exposure to new ideas is one of the surest ways of expanding your mind…
If you really just want the small house and large garden, are the things that you’re doing along the way really helping?

In the past few days, I’ve been thinking about relationships. I’ve seen some interesting relationships, and been in a few that could probably give enough material for several soap operas. The following proposition just occurred to me last night:

There are no broken hearts – only closed ones.

Only your ego can actually get hurt. The heart or higher self knows only love, compassion and acceptance, but we can sometimes deal with our emotions in such a way that we close our hearts as a defence mechanism against our ego getting hurt. Closing the heart will hurt us the most by blocking wisdom, killing our self esteem and attracting the wrong people.

There is a fear of totally opening, accepting and allowing… if you’re going to be hurt, it doesn’t matter if your heart is open or closed – you’re going to be hurt!

It’s not that it is ‘wrong’ to close your heart… it’s just that it doesn’t work!

Thanks to my friend Stephane for helping me finally get this!

Sadly, for most of us working is something that we ‘have to do’ rather than something that lights us up. While I believe strongly that you should Design Your Life, a bit of strategy is important. Whether we stick with that strategy or not, and whether it is conscious does not matter. Ultimately, we want to climb up the right ‘tree’.

Perhaps, in that case, we should look around until we find that right tree, then climb it. But what if there is no ‘right’ tree? In that case, perhaps we should learn how to swing as we walk along to the peaceful clearing, scenic lookout and spectacular waterfall, yet all the while remaining focused on the moment before us.

A few years ago I was indoor rockclimbing. It was awesome fun! But on the last climb of the day I was just out of reach of the top. It didn’t matter how I stretched, I was still about six inches from the ‘top.

So I jumped.
And I touched the bar.
And then I enjoyed the bouncing on the dynamic safety rope.
In that moment, I knew that the safety eqipment ‘worked’, and I was never afraid again.

If you never let go of the need for approval, suspend your fear of disapproval and live your own life rather than the life that others want you to live, you’ll always be trapped. And if that’s your path, that’s fine… But you can do anything.

Sometimes it seems like you’re like an eagle who has grown up surrounded by chickens… And when you’ve looked up and seen the eagles flying overhead, you’ve sensed that you could be like them, until you’ve listened to the chickens around you telling you that you can’t so much that you almost believe them. You may not yet know to where you are flying or how high you can fly, but you are an eagle.

You always were an eagle, and you always will be.
Of course, maybe we’re all eagles and just acting like chickens… forgetting our true nature.

I was recently given the metaphor of the carrot, the egg and the coffee bean. They’re all very common foods that start out hard. When put in hot water, look at the difference. The carrot becomes soft. The egg becomes hard. And the coffee bean releases itself and changes the environment in which it is placed. When faced with adversity, do I go soft, do I grow hardened, or do I release my true essence and in doing so change the world… transform the challenge into purpose?

One of the chapters contrasts types of men. Apparently there are three types: Bad boys, nice guys and wimps. While this is obviously a gross generalisation, it seems that there is some truth (or at least value) there. I’d first qualify it as descriptive of behaviours exhibited by men rather than being linked with an individual’s traits. But even then…

How many women want bad boys? Sure, as 21st century men, we’ve been taught by our parents to be ‘nice‘, but how many women really like what they see? My London-based female friends lament the dearth of good men just like my Hong Kong-based friends, and it’s an epidemic amongst professional women – that’s why (I’m told) so many female lawyers date tradesmen.

There is a little-known but easily felt difference between being a strong man and being a nasty piece of work. It’s the difference between seduction and surrender. To lead without dominating… Serve without supplicating.

Much of this comes back to intimacy. To be open and honest with another requires us to share part of ourselves. This leaves us vulnerable to being rejected… And most of us would rather anything but that! The ‘bad boy’ is an architype and we all possess and demonstrate different aspects to varying degrees. Denial grants power; integrity – true strength – is the benefit of facing and reconciling the truth.

In my life, the only times that I have had to forgive others is when I had judged them in the first place. To judge another requires us to forget that we and they are sprung from the same stock, are partakers of the same hope and sharers of the same nature… to judge another we judge that part of ourselves that lies within them that is currently being manifested by the very thing that you condemn. We see the flaws in others most clearly when we hold them close to our heart ourselves.

Ironically, the ‘debate’ existed because she denied that we could suspend judgment! I was being told that it was impossible to not judge someone who wrongs us, and therefore forgiveness is the highest perfection to which we might aspire. To me (and this could be my narcissism), she was telling me that something that she chose to believe impossible for her was also impossible for me… instead of acknowledging and encouraging the pursuit of a higher purpose.

I find this habit worst amongst individuals who bury their ‘dark’ side rather than coming to a sense of peace and resolution through accepting and releasing that darkness, realising that the only antidote to darkness is light. Self-righteous Christians are amongst the worst.

Forgiving another requires us to judge… so it were better that we not judge in the first place.

When I met that friend’s friend earlier this week, the girl looking for love in all the wrong places, I could not judge her. While I could see where she was going and the pain that she was going through, I could only empathise with her plight, appreciating the pain that she goes through. It would be easy to make the mistake of me telling her that she is doing the ‘wrong’ thing by continuing to make her mistakes, and that she should learn from my mistakes… and there was a time when I would have tried to impose my experience on her! Yet I now know that our mistakes are our mistakes: they can’t be had by another.

I try to spend a little time each day in silence and a little time in nonjudgment… noticing and accepting that no matter how the world might appear, knowing that it is ‘perfect’ just the way it is, and being grateful that it is unfolding as it should. I’ll strive to spend days in nonjudgment.