Guess what guys:
“Limited money and family obligations have never stopped a man who really wanted to do something, although they provide excuses for a man who is not really up to the creative challenge in the first place.”
Gender-role clarification is a very major issue for our world today. One of the major players in this area is David Deida, author of The Way of the Superior Man. While he has his critics, including from his supporters like Tony Robbins, it is useful to understand the information that he presents.
For the Tony Robbins fans out there, I would suggest to you that Deida’s work has been the single biggest change in Tony’s seminars in the past five years… now everything is screened through the filter of femininity and masculinity, particularly as it is defined by Deida.
Read Deida’s stuff for yourself. He has a bunch of books including, I understand, an explicit sex manual and a relationships guide. But to give you a start, I thought that I might summarise a few thoughts below…
- On being a man
Find your purpose or calling in life, make that purpose your focus and push yourself to the limit. Surround yourself with men who do the same – men who make things happen. Live with integrity, hold yourself accountable and responsible; live as if your father was dead and your own death was imminent and pursue a higher purpose without excuses.
Men want freedom from constraint. To realise this, you must deal with your ‘dark side’.
From a woman, men want beauty and sex.
- On Femininity
Femininity is a part of you; it’s just that women tend to be dominated by femininity. Femininity isn’t based around rationality: It thrives on praise rather than analysis and rescuing, isn’t a problem to be fixed but rather a phenomenon to be experienced, enjoyed and directed. Where femininity is like a flowing river, it needs masculinity to act as the banks to direct its course.
Femininity is throughout the world – in young women, in older women and everywhere else. Men should worship that femininity in a sense… indeed, men should learn to use their attraction to women as a gift rather than suppressing it. Yet while a woman can open a man to God, men must realise that she can never totally satisfy him.
From a man, women want presence, integrity and for him to have a purpose. Sweet, sensitive guys (aka AFCs or Average Frustrated Chumps to PUAs – see The Game) get weeded out of the gene pool.
It is hard for women of today to release their grasp on their masculine shell… but it is vital. Women need to learn to value intuition, connection and a body-centered life.
Polarity is one of Deida’s buzz-words, and is the contrast between masculinity and femininity. Polarity is what creates attraction – enjoy it and use it.
- What Women Want
A man should choose a woman that chooses him. What a woman says in the moment is often not what she really wants, but rather an emotional response, so it is up to men to take charge and lead. That leadership will be good when that man looks and feels that woman’s heart, so that he can understand and give her what she really wants. A woman wants her man to put his purpose ahead of her: A man should have a clear direction and purpose that is not her.
Women want men who are warriors: totally fearless in the face of death.
- Body Practices
Deida talks about techniques for developing and controlling sexual energy. As such practices are largely occult or hidden in the west, these techniques seem to come from his experiences with yoga. He suggests that while women provide the energy for building greater intimacy, the man should provide the direction and insist in the development.
- Intimate Communion – spiritual relationships
When two people come together, the quality of their relationship is largely dependent upon where they are at as individuals. We move from dependent relationships, where parties depend on each other for support (financial, emotional, parenting or sexual) and often end up limited by gender roles, toward the independent relationships that are so common today, with both partners sharing 50/50 in what needs to be done, towards interdependent relationships. At this third stage, partners realise that love is something that you fall in or out of, but rather something that you do and something that you practice, though is only open to those who are open themselves.
Can we find God through sex? If God is love and light, relationships can help us remember how to connect with the Divine. In a sense, loving connection can act as a laboratory… to practice opening, leading, healing, transforming and growing.
A very well-known Church had a relationships seminar where it was quoted that “the only thing different between a close friend and your spouse is the sex.” I disagree. Sex is certainly a part of an intimate relationship, though it is neither necessary nor sufficient (except perhaps theologically). Instead, what separates a friend from a lover is a deep, loving and sexual union… not just a connection, but a union.
Don’t wait for the perfect partner to show up or for your current partner to ‘get better’, but to start on yourself… so that you can attract your perfect reciprocal or help lead your existing partner towards their true self.
From his book “Blue Truth”, I love the following thoughts:
- “When you can align your daily actions with the calling of your deepest purpose, then you can live with honor and without regret.”
- “If your true gifts have become lost in the struggle with life’s demands, then you are in pain. Ungiven gifts hurt. Unoffered love sears the heart. Unexpressed insight sucks the strength from your bones.”